I was thinking, earlier, that it was this time last year that I read the amazing, epic book, "Special Forces" co-written by Aleksandr Voinov, and what a turning point that was in my life.
Last February, I was in a very bad place, emotionally. I was involved with a person that ended up hurting me more than I could almost deal with...it was a very very bad time. My home life was a shambles, my marriage was bad, I wasn't the mother my kids needed or deserved. It was the worst time of my life by far, and one of my own making, I fully accept my responsibility, now, for it all. I did things that were bad, that went against what I had always believed. It was me. Completely and totally. I see that now. Perhaps it was my own mid-life crisis, but whatever it was, it happened and it hurt beyond my endurance, but I am still here in spite of it all.
One of the things I give credit to helping me find my way was "Special Forces". It's hard to imagine how a story about the relationship between a Russian Spetznaz and a British Special Forces soldier during the early 80's Russian occupation of Afghanistan could help a middle-aged housewife and mother through her own personal hell, but it did.
In some weird, crazy, totally random and wonderful way, I ended up not only finding that great book but also in becoming a friend of the author. Yes, fangrrlness CAN become something real and honest. I sit here now, wearing a very special gift he sent to me, and it makes me smile.
This year since, I have met lots of wonderful new people. Some have become treasured friends, while others...not so much. I am the first to admit, I am gullible and trust way too easily, much to my detriment. But what I hate the most about that, is when I see my friends succumbing to those that never show their true colors.
I am who I am, and if you don't like me, that's your prerogative. If you want to be that person, behind the scenes, talking out of both sides of your mouth- knock yourself out. They are always the first ones to cry they are drama-free and above the fray, but always seem to be at the core of all that happens.
Today, I have been struggling with a huge decision. It isn't easy, and I know it's only going to effect me in the long run and grand scheme of things, but sometimes in your life, you face something that you just can't ignore, and I feel like this is one of those times. No one understands it, and I am certain that those that are marginally effected could care less, but sometimes you just have to take a stand.
I treasure my friends, the very VERY few that I have, that are real and dear friends...
This is me... STANDING.