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Thursday, February 17, 2011

Reflection...

I was thinking, earlier, that it was this time last year that I read the amazing, epic book, "Special Forces"  co-written by Aleksandr Voinov, and what a turning point that was in my life.

Last February, I was in a very bad place, emotionally.  I was involved with a person that ended up hurting me more than I could almost deal with...it was a very very bad time.  My home life was a shambles, my marriage was bad, I wasn't the mother my kids needed or deserved.  It was the worst time of my life by far, and one of my own making, I fully accept my responsibility, now, for it all.  I did things that were bad, that went against what I had always believed.  It was me.  Completely and totally.  I see that now.  Perhaps it was my own mid-life crisis, but whatever it was, it happened and it hurt beyond my endurance, but I am still here in spite of it all.

One of the things I give credit to helping me find my way was "Special Forces".  It's hard to imagine how a story about the relationship between a Russian Spetznaz and a British Special Forces soldier during the early 80's Russian occupation of Afghanistan could help a middle-aged housewife and mother through her own personal hell, but it did.

In some weird, crazy, totally random and wonderful way, I ended up not only finding that great book but also in becoming a friend of the author.  Yes, fangrrlness CAN become something real and honest.  I sit here now, wearing a very special gift he sent to me, and it makes me smile.

This year since, I have met lots of wonderful new people.  Some have become treasured friends, while others...not so much.  I am the first to admit, I am gullible and trust way too easily, much to my detriment.  But what I hate the most about that, is when I see my friends succumbing to those that never show their true colors.

I am who I am, and if you don't like me, that's your prerogative.  If you want to be that person, behind the scenes, talking out of both sides of your mouth- knock yourself out.  They are always the first ones to cry they are drama-free and above the fray, but always seem to be at the core of all that happens.

Today, I have been struggling with a huge decision.  It isn't easy, and I know it's only going to effect me in the long run and grand scheme of things, but sometimes in your life, you face something that you just can't ignore, and I feel like this is one of those times.  No one understands it, and I am certain that those that are marginally effected could care less, but sometimes you just have to take a stand.

I treasure my friends, the very VERY few that I have, that are real and dear friends...

This is me... STANDING.

5 comments:

Denise Vega said...

I am very Proud of you I haven't known you long butI like what I see But I know what you mean sometimes you can lose track of yourself & only you can righted it I'm glad you did Sweetie your a great person don't anyone ever make you feel that your not Love & Hugs when ever you need someone to talk to I will always be here Honey

Just Call me RED! said...

Girl. I couldn't be more proud of you. My first and only thought that comes to mind if a person isn't happy with where they are it is their responsibility to make the change. Take responsibility for how you got to where you are and learn from it. I am truly proud and honored to call you a friend and I couldn't lover or cherish you more. Remember you are a ROCKSTAR!!!!

Havan said...

You are a brave woman and I'm proud to call you my friend.

StarLady said...

We've known each other for a shorty time, I know. But I second what Havan said! ♥ =) I'll be here standing with you for as long as you want me around!

A.B.Gayle said...

Hi Mon, I can relate to the change the book made in your life.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do. I have valued your friendship and support.
Hugs