Thursday, February 17, 2011


I was thinking, earlier, that it was this time last year that I read the amazing, epic book, "Special Forces"  co-written by Aleksandr Voinov, and what a turning point that was in my life.

Last February, I was in a very bad place, emotionally.  I was involved with a person that ended up hurting me more than I could almost deal was a very very bad time.  My home life was a shambles, my marriage was bad, I wasn't the mother my kids needed or deserved.  It was the worst time of my life by far, and one of my own making, I fully accept my responsibility, now, for it all.  I did things that were bad, that went against what I had always believed.  It was me.  Completely and totally.  I see that now.  Perhaps it was my own mid-life crisis, but whatever it was, it happened and it hurt beyond my endurance, but I am still here in spite of it all.

One of the things I give credit to helping me find my way was "Special Forces".  It's hard to imagine how a story about the relationship between a Russian Spetznaz and a British Special Forces soldier during the early 80's Russian occupation of Afghanistan could help a middle-aged housewife and mother through her own personal hell, but it did.

In some weird, crazy, totally random and wonderful way, I ended up not only finding that great book but also in becoming a friend of the author.  Yes, fangrrlness CAN become something real and honest.  I sit here now, wearing a very special gift he sent to me, and it makes me smile.

This year since, I have met lots of wonderful new people.  Some have become treasured friends, while others...not so much.  I am the first to admit, I am gullible and trust way too easily, much to my detriment.  But what I hate the most about that, is when I see my friends succumbing to those that never show their true colors.

I am who I am, and if you don't like me, that's your prerogative.  If you want to be that person, behind the scenes, talking out of both sides of your mouth- knock yourself out.  They are always the first ones to cry they are drama-free and above the fray, but always seem to be at the core of all that happens.

Today, I have been struggling with a huge decision.  It isn't easy, and I know it's only going to effect me in the long run and grand scheme of things, but sometimes in your life, you face something that you just can't ignore, and I feel like this is one of those times.  No one understands it, and I am certain that those that are marginally effected could care less, but sometimes you just have to take a stand.

I treasure my friends, the very VERY few that I have, that are real and dear friends...

This is me... STANDING.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Happy Valentine's Day!

Valentine Widget by Widgia

A day dedicated to love...what could be better than that?

How about a day dedicated to love and the latest installment to The Story Orgy???

Oh yeah...........

Now, I have to post this with a disclaimer.  Since posting last weeks, I have been Sick.  Yes, Sick, with a captial 'S'.  Knocked down by the flu, then sidelined with a case of bronchitis that has had me in and out of the emergency room over the weekend.  So, I hope everyone will read this with that in mind.

I haven't re-read it, and I am SURE it is full of some doozy errors.  At some point this week, when I am more clear-headed and ungorked, I hope to rework it.  As it is now, I just hope it makes sense...sigh.

Much love and a whole heap of thanks for giving me a break if it rots.

This week's prompt:  "If I tell you the truth..."

This week's image, courtesy of Jade Baiser:

Revelation- pt. 3

Gus sighed his relief, hearing Chris’s promise.  No matter how mad he may be at Gus, he would keep his word.  Gus just needed time…to explain…to figure out what was going on in his own head.

Earlier at the club, watching Chris with his date, something had clicked inside of Gus, and had simmered all night long.   But, when he had watched as Chris and the guy kissed goodnight, the ‘something’ had become blinding in its intensity and had caught Gus completely off-guard.

Thank God the guy hadn’t been in Chris’s bed when Gus had snuck in...He wasn’t sure what would have happened, but he was more than certain Chris wouldn’t be willing to hear him out now if he had been.

Though he had Chris’s promise, he still didn’t want to give him any wiggle room, literally or figuratively.  So, Gus, slowly slid to the side, keeping their bodies in close contact as he moved to lie facing Chris on the floor.  His leg still rested across Chris’s hip, his arm wrapped around Chris’s middle, Gus rested his head on the other and searched Chris’s face in the dim light.

“Well?”  Chris finally asked, his brows drawn tight, his face unreadable.  It was the first time Gus had ever seen that in Chris; shielding his thoughts for the first time since they had known each other.  It made Gus uncomfortable and more than a little wary, and that was definitely a  feeling he wasn’t used to.

Chris was stiff, his body rigid and unyielding.  Gus felt his frustration rising…why couldn’t Chris see what Gus was trying to say, without making him have to spill it all out between them?

Gus sighed and Chris moved to get up, but Gus held tight, his hand splaying against Chris’s back, his leg holding tighter around his hip.

“You have my promise, Gus, just say what you want to say.  It’s damned uncomfortable here on the floor.”

Chris’s frustration was tangible and Gus knew his reluctance to now speak was only making matters worse, so he took a deep breath.  “Can I stay with you tonight?”

That did it.  Before Gus could react, Chris had jumped to his feet with a disgusted groan.

“You are a piece of work.”  Chris bit off as he stormed off down the hall.  “Are you high tonight?  Is that it?  Drinking’s not enough anymore?”

Gus sat up, hugging his knees tightly to his chest as he listened to Chris rifling through the cupboard and continuing to berate him…and he deserved every word Chris threw at him.

“What the fuck is going on with you?  I don’t understand all…this…tonight?  The theatrics.   Why, Gus?”  Chris came back in the room with an armload of blankets and a pillow he threw in the general direction of the sofa.  “You don’t have to act like you want to sleep with me, you know.  Have I ever turned you away from my door?  When have I ever not been there for …”

“You have always been there for me.”  Gus interjected quietly, his chin resting on his knee as he stared at the floor at Chris’s feet.  “Always…”

“Yeah, trust me, I am aware of how much of a doormat I am when it comes to you.”  Gus closed his eyes against the acid of Chris’s words.  

He was totally aware of the corner he had painted himself into, whatever Gus said now Chris would automatically have his defenses up against.  Hell, Gus couldn’t blame him.  He had taken advantage of Chris’s feelings over and over in the past and hadn’t ever given it a second thought.  Yes, he was paying for that dearly now, as he looked up from where he sat on the floor to the dejected and rightfully pissed off Chris standing on the other side of the room.

“I don’t think you’re a doormat.”

Chris barked a bitter laugh.  “Thanks, but we both know I am when it comes to you.”  Chris shoved his hand through his hair in a frustrated gesture.  “It’s late, I’m tired and I’m going to bed.  Everything you need is there,”   He motioned with a quick nod of his head at the sofa and the pile of bedding he had pulled out for Gus to use. 

With nothing else to say, Chris turned and headed back down the hall to his bedroom, as he passed Gus reached out and took his hand. 

Swallowing the fist-sized lump that was threatening to choke him, Gus held tight to Chris’s hand, staring intensely where their fingers entwined.  It hurt that Chris refused to look at him, but there was no going back now…not for either of them.

“Not everything I need is there.”  Gus informed Chris, finally rising up out of the floor, still clasping his hand tightly in his own.  “You’re not there.”  Gus whispered, lifting Chris’s hand to his lips, pressing them gently to the smooth skin on the back of Chris’s hand, letting them linger as he felt Chris tremble.

“Gus, don’t…”  He meekly tried to pull his hand away, but Gus held firm, letting his lips and breath skim each knuckle.

“I want to stay with you tonight, not on your couch…I want to be with you tonight, Chris, in your bed.”

Gus felt Chris freeze solid in place, heard the sharp breath he took and held.  Gus lifted his eyes to look at Chris and was crushed by the frightened, wide-eyed shock that marked his best friends face.   His heart cracked wide open and he cursed himself with everything he had that he had put that look on Chris’s face.

“I don’t understand.”  Chris managed to whisper and it caused another ripple of pain to tear through Gus.

“I know.”  Gus quietly admitted, ignoring the involuntary flinch Chris gave as Gus lifted his free hand to gently cup the side of Chris’s head.  “We need to talk…about so many things, but…later, ok?  Just for tonight, pretend I am the man you deserve…”

With that, Gus claimed Chris’s mouth and after only a brief moment of hesitation, Chris returned the kiss, sinking into it, sinking into Gus and the warm solidness of his embrace.  Gus left Chris unable to think, to hesitate as they somehow found their way down the hall, tumbling into Chris’s bed in a tangle of arms and legs.

They were naked within minutes, mouths trailing hot kisses over smooth, tight skin; teeth biting into firm muscle; hands kneading and stroking steely hardness; the sounds of lust and burgeoning love fueling their need.

Gus held nothing back, the time he had denied that he had felt anything for Chris roared out of him.  His body covered Chris’s, his mouth devouring Chris’s neck as Chris groaned  and writhed beneath him, arching for greater reach and to allow Gus all he wanted at his throat.

Their bodies were fused, sweat forming on the skin trapped between them.

“God, Chris.”  Gus panted heavily in Chris’s ear as Chris dug his fingers deeper into Gus’s ass, grinding their pelvises together hungrily.  “I want you…”

Chris groaned and shuddered hearing those words, knowing it wasn’t a dream or fantasy, but true and real and…now.

“I want you, too.”  Chris whispered into Gus’s hair.  “Do it.  Just go…slow.”

Gus raised his head from Chris’s throat.  “Are you sure?  We don’t have to do that…”

Chris smiled, wiping the damp tendrils of Gus’s hair back from his forehead.  “I want it.”

Gus’s face burned with high color as he smiled down at Chris before kissing him long and slow and deep.  “Just tell me if I do it wrong…”

Chris couldn’t help but laugh, more than a little shyly.  “I’m the last person you should ask, probably.”

Gus lifted himself up on his elbows, looking down at Chris.  “What do you mean?”

“If I tell you the truth…”  He trailed off, letting his eyes drift to a point beyond Gus’s left shoulder.

“Hey, you,”  Gus soothed, tipping Chris’s chin with a finger, so that he could see his eyes.  “What’s going on in that head of yours?”

Chris visibly swallowed, his throat working nervously before he spoke.  “I’ve never…I didn’t…”

Gus took a deep breath, his heart swelling with a combination of love and awe.  “Because of me?”

Chris only shrugged, his eyes refusing to meet Gus’s now.  “I just never wanted anyone enough to let them…”

“But, you want me enough?”

Chris closed his eyes and stifled a groan.  “Is this turning into an ego trip for you?”

“No!”  Gus insisted, vehement in his denial.  He kissed Chris roughly until he felt the other start to respond again.  “Never.  I am…amazed.  I am touched and…humbled, Chris.  I don’t deserve you…I never have.”

Chris leaned up, kissing the soft spot just beneath Gus’s chin.  “But, that’s where you are wrong…”

***to be continued***

Please check out the blogs of the other Story Orgy members:

The Story Orgy

Monday, February 7, 2011

Story Orgy: Week 4

A whole month has gone by since the birth of the Story Orgy, and somehow that just doesn't seem possible.  But here it is, week #4, and we hope you all are still loving reading them as much as we are loving writing them.

As always, you can find the links to the other members offerings directly following this installment.


This week's prompt:  "I'm going to ask you to something I've never asked you before.  Promise me, you'll say yes."

"Promise,"  he said.

This week's image, courtesy of Jade Baiser:

Revelation- pt. 2

“Don’t you get it?”  Gus roared, sitting up in a rush.  “I want to be him!  I want to be that guy you want…the one that kisses you and sings with you and should have been in this bed if he wasn’t such a fucking wanker!”

Chris had reeled, stumbling out of the room before Gus could say another word.

He just couldn’t handle it; couldn’t handle hearing the feelings mocked that Chris had dreamed of Gus reciprocating since they were kids.  Gus knew how Chris felt, he had always known because Chris had never made it a secret…no matter how much it had hurt.

How could Gus be that cruel?

Fucking drunk bastard.

He sat on the sofa in the dark, his head hanging from his shoulders, his elbows resting on his knees, staring at the floor beneath his feet.

“Get out.”  His voice was barely above a whisper, beyond desolate when he heard Gus step into the room.  Chris refused to look up, he couldn’t bear the thought of seeing Gus dressed, heading out the door.

He wouldn’t look at him because he knew it would be for the last time, and as much as he hated Gus’s insensitivity at this moment, the thought of watching him walk out...


Chris braced his hands on his knees, gripping tightly, his fingers digging into bare skin.  He shook his head.  “Don’t say anything.  Just go.”

Gritting his teeth, Chris struggled to hold himself together as he waited for the sound of the door closing, but there was nothing but silence.

“Would you just listen to me?” 

“Why?”  Chris snapped, lifting his head just as sharply as his question bit the air.

Big mistake.  Why, did he look up?  He knew he had no defenses when it came to Gus.  None.  And, seeing him standing there in the doorway, the light spilling from the open bathroom door behind him, highlighting the broad width of his bare shoulders, the lean line that led to his waist, and the strong thighs that were now encased in faded denim of the jeans he had, mercifully. put on, seemed like a dream and a nightmare…everything he wanted but could never have.

Gus’s face was shadowed, but Chris could feel his eyes staring back at him. 

“Why, Gus?  Why should I listen to you?”

Gus shoved his hands deep into the pockets of his jeans.  “Because you love me.”

The darkness of the room was flooded with red as the anger rose in Chris.  “If you don’t get the fuck out now, I’m…”

“I’m not leaving.”  Gus took a step into the room but Chris lunged before he could take another, barreling like a freight train into Gus’s mid-section, sending them both crashing to the floor.

It wasn’t a fair fight, the only reason they wrestled now was that Chris had taken Gus by surprise, and quickly and as gently as he could, Gus had Chris, face first, pinned to the floor.

With both of them breathing heavily from the strain and the emotion, Gus felt the tension ease in Chris’s body beneath him.  But this gave way to an entirely different sensation.

Chris shivered, resting his forehead on the cold floor.  He should still be fighting, shoving, kicking, trying anyway he could to get Gus off of him; away from him, but he just didn’t have the energy.

Gus took a deep breath, his body on the verge of some unknown brink…his feelings, his wants a new and frightening aspect that he wasn’t sure he understood.

What he did understand was that Chris was warm, his back smooth and sleek beneath his chest, his legs powerful and intoxicating entwined with his own.

What he did understand was that Chris had loved him always…no matter what Gus had done, no matter how many times he had fucked up…Chris had always been there, loving him.

With a shudder, Gus moved, his fingers cupping the back of Chris’s head, touching and feeling, for the first time, Chris’s surprisingly soft hair.  He felt Chris shudder in response as he placed his lips on his back, not really a kiss, but…something more.

Chris shook his head.  “Gus, please…”  He whispered, but stopped.

Please, what?  What was he begging for?  Please, don’t stop…don’t kiss me…don’t break my heart?

Gus’s fingers tightened on his scalp, stopping Chris from saying anything else as he moved to Chris’s ear.

“I’m going to ask you to do something I have never asked you to do before.”  Gus whispered, his lips brushing the outer shell of Chris’s ear.  His mind reeling, he closed his eyes, shivering, waiting for Gus to continue.  Promise me, you’ll say yes.”

Gus tenderly kissed that spot just below Chris’s ear and Chris swallowed hard, answering before he had time to think.


***to be continued***

Please check out the blogs of the other Story Orgy members:

The Story Orgy

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Happy Groundhog Day!

It's the middle of the week and it seems that most people I know and love are snowed in, frozen over and just plain wishing Snowmageddon would be gone already.  Luckily, for those of us completely over this harsh winter weather, Punxsutawney Phil failed to see his shadow this morning.  And, lucky for that furry little bastard, because had he even hinted about wanting to see it, I was totally ready to go all Sarah Palin on his ass...would have been  Barbecued Groundhog, Alaska.

So, Spring is just around the corner...and that can't be soon enough to suit me.

And, with those thoughts of warmer weather, flowers blooming, and trees budding...a little sumpin' sumpin' to chase away the chill until then...

Josh Kloss:

Josh and Katy:

Have a great day and stay warm!!